Depression … it sneaks up on you

About 18 months ago, I was (finally, after breaking down in the surgery after a simple ‘how are you’ question) diagnosed with either severe depression, or when it came to writing my ‘fit’ notes, low mood.  Which is it?  Well, the only question on the test I could ever answer with a positive slant (and this was true for years before my diagnosis too) was the suicidal one, so you decide.

I was put on meds, but only a low dose, so it never really felt like it was doing anything except maybe control the weepiness at times.  I told my GP this several times, only to be told to stay on them a few more months.

When ‘he’ left, and mum died, all in the space of a few days, I was in such an odd state of mind that taking tablets was the last thing I could concentrate on for about a month, so I accidentally came off the meds.  And for a couple of months, I didn’t feel any different.  In fact, if anything, I felt better than I had for a while.

But not anymore.

Now, the instant crying at nothing is back, the feelings of not wanting to do anything, the inability to find pleasure, the struggle to be around others, to deal with noise.  I’m jumpy, but at the same time slow to react.  I’m needing support, but at the same time can’t be near or cope with others for any length of time, even in the virtual world.  I’m unsettled, but at the same time, unable to do anything.  My appetite is all over the place.  I can feel fine and wanting, eager even, to do things one minute, and literally in the next breath, I shut down.

Is it the pills finally clearing my system, or is it that the adrenaline or whatever that’s kept me going since February has finally run out?  I don’t know.  But I do know I can’t get an appointment to see my GP for weeks yet.

It sneaks up on you, depression does.